the raw gnashing of teeth

I had a friend last year that said “the passing of days here is like the raw, gnashing of teeth… but the weeks just fly by.” I am certainly not here to validate this statement. The only thing I come even close to agreeing with is the fact that time does seem to have found an inordinate way to slip away. I can’t even really say if there are certain days that stand out to me individually. If I were to reword this not-quite-so-cheerful message, I would probably have to say that the weeks pass by in a blur of chalk dust and school uniforms, and the months seem to offer only a rushed surfacing breath before being submerged once again for roughly 30 days.

What can I offer in this moment other than a reflection on the thievery of time. Each day I struggle with the selfish desires of sitting down to read or write or to simply spend time with the people I have gotten to know here. “Responsibilities” seem to pile atop of one another; lesson planning, grading, visiting, cleaning, etc. Like a thieving elf, they steal the little remaining time that I have here.

I find myself with one foot here and one foot reaching out toward the other side of the ocean. I am certainly not ready to be home, but as the weeks tick away, I cannot help but begin thinking about what is next. An image of me sitting outside of a building in Boston waiting for the Peace Corps recruitment meeting to begin flashes into my head. It was a chilly fall day and a spur of the moment decision. This same panicky feeling of “what’s next?” was echoing in my head the day before when, instead of researching for whichever paper of the day, I found myself on the Peace Corps Boston recruitment page. Of all coincidences, there was a “gathering” the very next day, the only afternoon that entire month where I did not already have something written in my ever-trusty day planner.

I do not own a day planner right now. Nor do I utilize the ominous dry-erase monthly calendar that once lorded over my room. I have a simple calendar with a few simple pencil scratches that is just one month away from ending its short, but valued, life. The thought of reentering the world of the day planner is a little overwhelming at the moment.