reflections in the looking glass

Approximately one year ago I was rushing home to open the packet that had been dropped on my doorstep, containing the undisclosed knowledge of where Peace Corps was sending me... I think I skipped class. I knew that the bulky sealed envelope contained the beginning of the next two years of my life, but I didn't know how much was inside. I knew, in some ways, that there were big changes for me, but what they were was a mystery.

There are certainly altruistic reasons behind my decision to join Peace Corps, but I would be lying if I said there were no selfish reasons as well. I knew that this two year commitment would involve great changes in my life, I just did not know what they would be. If that packet had told me all that I would learn and experience, would I still have opened it? It's hard to say. I think that is why life doesn't come with a prologue. If we knew from the outset the struggles, attacks and challenges that we were to face, I think it would make it hard to take that first step. Of course we would know that there was beauty out there waiting for us as well, but it would be lined up across from the ugly, locked in an eternal staring contest.

My selfish reasons for joining Peace Corps are as much of a contrast as the ugly and beautiful staring each other in the face. In so many words, you could say I was running from myself and trying to find myself at the same time. Like a dog chasing its tail, I let this illogical aim carry me across the ocean and drop me on this rock. I'm not exactly sure how I thought this paradoxical problem would solve itself, but I think it is working.

If that packet had told me where I would be right now, I don't know if I would have accepted, but life is like that. Things happen the way they are meant to happen, it is our decision how we face them.

With that said, I have spent too much time facing this computer screen. The ugly and the beautiful are waiting for me outside. It's time for me to go stare them both down.